The terms "toxic" and "abusive" are often used interchangeably to describe an unhealthy relationship, but experts say there's an important distinction between them.
While one or both partners can show toxic behaviors in their relationship, only one partner can be abusive because it requires an inherent power dynamic, Lori Beth Bisbey, a therapist and intimacy coach with 30 years of experience, told Insider.
"Toxic relationships can be toxic on both sides with both people not having the skills to support each other, triggering off the worst qualities in each other," Bisbey said. Abuse, on the other hand, is a deliberate form of harm and control.
Certain behaviors, like gaslighting and name-calling, can exist in both toxic and abusive dynamics. In these cases, a partner's intentions matter, according to Galia Godel, a Philadelphia-based sexuality educator.
"Not all toxic behavior is abusive, and most abuse can't be chalked up to a toxic dynamic. There isn't always a clear difference, but it's worth remembering that toxicity stems from a lack of control, and abuse stems from one person trying to take control," Godel wrote on her website.
Behaviors like giving the silent treatment, attempting to "win" relationship disagreements at all costs, and belittling your partner are signs of a toxic relationship.
You use the silent treatment when you don't get what you want
Toxic behaviors can be obvious, like name-calling or yelling, but they're also often subtle, according to Bisbey.
She said the silent treatment, where one partner refuses to speak to or acknowledge the other if they don't get what they want, is a common toxic behavior she sees in patients.
Since a silent treatment involves withholding love, sex, affection, or attention in an attempt to manipulate the other partner into acting how you want, it's unhealthy, Bisbey said.
Your partner makes belittling 'jokes' about you
If you or your partner often resort to sarcastic humor, it could be a sign you're in a toxic dynamic, Bisbey said.
That's because these "jokes" are actually undercover ways to belittle or demean a partner, even if the person telling the joke doesn't realize it at the time.
"If your partner undermines you when you are with other people, points out wrongness, or suggests you are stupid, silly, foolish, or something else negative when with others, this is toxic behavior," Bisbey said.
Disagreements often turn into heated debates or screaming matches
If partners have trouble resolving disagreements, and find they often devolve into intense arguments, it could mean they're in a toxic relationship, according to Bisbey.
This can happen if one or more partners grew up with unhealthy conflict resolution skills. They might resort to unhealthy words or actions to cope with feeling out of control.
In a healthy relationship, partners have honest and non-hostile communication. While they may not be eye-to-eye on everything, they view disagreements as information about their partner, not a fight to be won, Sabrina Romanoff, a therapist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City, previously told Insider.
If things become too heated, partners recognize what they need to calm down and revisit the conversation later, Romanoff said.
You test your partner's boundaries
If your partners tells you they can't tolerate certain words or actions from you, and you ignore that boundary, it could mean you're acting in a toxic way, said Bisbey.
She said making a partner feel bad for having a certain boundary, even if you don't violate it, is also a sign of toxicity.
Since a person's boundaries signal what they need to feel safe and respected, violating them to see if they'll give you a "pass" is manipulative, according to Bisbey.
